With a little luck I did trick my old lizard into spending another day with her feet propped up, sewing. The swelling has gone down dramatically. But her temper flared up and a tornado of recriminations sprouted with more force than the blood the other night. Here is, in no particular order, a list of my trespasses:

I buy expensive dresses that look funny.

I canceled her appointment with the doctor who injects stem cells into people’s knees. (My bad, I figured healing the cracked skin and reducing the swelling was more important).

I was rude to the repairman who came to fix the outdoor fountain. (Not true. He was rude to me. But according to my old lizard I am never respectful enough).

I failed to buy her house dresses (do they seriously still sell such a thing?) and instead bought pizza for the aunts, which was expensive. As a form of protest my lizard refused to eat the pizza. So did grandma.

I did laundry on a Friday. (Sinful, very very sinful).

The temper tantrum subsided once I brought her ice cream. Not to be outdone, grandma threw a huge fit, with screaming and thrashing about: “Lord, take me to my grave! I cannot stand this anymore! I want to be with my loved ones! Why won’t you take me, Lord?” She says such things so often we’re almost used to it. Of course, last night when she tripped and almost fell but didn’t she sang a very different tune: “Thank you, Lord, for helping me and saving my life.” Well, I suppose a diva has a right to be terminally indecisive. Especially at 96.

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