Maybe I’m just tired, but I know it’s more than that. I woke up feeling sad, and by that I mean very sad. It took me all day, and a conversation with a friend who knows me very well to fully understand why. The sadness might well have to do with the doors that now seem firmly shut, the life I’m walking away from. Of course, I’ve wanted so badly to free myself from it, that it seems odd to mourn it. But rebirth can sometimes be painful. There is a time when everything changes to become what you want it to be, but the changes are subtle at first, the growth still timid, and you can’t see it. I guess it’s similar to nature, and this time of year, when everything is still so dark but we know that light is slowly returning.
I will confess that I don’t like to take down my Christmas tree and that I haven’t done it yet. There are customs according to which it’s good to keep it until February 1st, as a reminder that nature will eventually come back to life. I might just do that. In any case, I’m having a party in the gallery on February 1st that’s mostly abstract and mostly inspired by nature. I guess working on these paintings is another way of getting myself through this time of year I don’t like, the time of darkness when the signs of rebirth are still too subtle to take stock of.